Thursday, April 1, 2021

And now for something completely different

I'm generally a pretty open person that likes to listen to others and new ways of doing things and learn from people who may have a different experiences. Sometimes I shouldn't listen to other people and I'd be right in that. I mean what do they know anyway.

So the nutter........... er I mean Flyboy has talked me into buying a mountain bike. You F*cken what mate?

So yeah, I'm basically as shocked as you are reading this too. I mean what the hell happened there. No I wasn't drunk either. Perhaps I should have been.....

So a little looking around online and I had a bike picked out when the Oracle, Mr Flyboy comes along with all his wealth of experience and vast knowledge and says 'Nah don't get that one, buy this one instead, it's cheaper and is better"

I didn't listen to him as I was set on the one I picked. Then for some reason I thought. Yep he knows what he's talking about. Listen to his vast experience and just do what he says.

Sure ok, so I pull the trigger on his recommended bike and buy from "Great" Flyboy says, "when it comes in I'll help you set it up its extremely simple". "Make sure you put grease on the peddle threads and axl bearing before putting it together"

Well then if its that simple I'll just do it myself. Can't be that hard. It's a pre assembled pushbike, how hard can it be?

So two days later the box arrives at my work, it's a pretty big box too I thought. I get the box home and time to rip in a see what I'm in for.

Well it certainly looks like they pack it in pretty tight. Time to pull it out and have a look see.

So I get it out and decide it will be easier sitting the front forks in the box to hold it up whilst I do stuff. Throw those instructions aside, won't be needing those. 

I don't have any grease at home, I'll have to pick some up tomorrow, so the peddles and front wheel can wait till then. So I'll just a fit the handle bars and strip all the bits of plastic and velcro foam pieces off.

Mount handle bars  up and think to myself, that was pretty easy. Then realise that I've put them on upside down.

Off come the handle bars and turn them around and remount handle bars. Haha rookie mistake now fixed.

Lift forks out of box to remove carboard packaging and there's a sticker on the forks. Read the picture attached and look at forks. F*ck me. The forks are turned around 180° from factory. Turn forks around and now handle bars are on backwards. Double F*ck.

Off come handle bars for the third time and turn them around the right way and remount handle bars yet again.

Now with grease in hand the next night, peddle threads greased and hub bearings greased. I looked at hub axl. How does this friggin thing work. Consult instructions. Complete Bastards supply a manual with 3 different types of front fork hubs, none of which are on this bike. F*#kers. Consult the all knowing Oracle to see how it works. 

"Send me a picture" says the Oracle "and I let you know what it is and how it works". Here you go as I sms him the photo below.

So the response back from the all seeing all knowing Oracle of Mountain biking says "F#*k, I haven't seen one of those before"

Arrrrgggghhhhhhhhhh. %#$* me. I'm full to the brim with confidence now. One job bro, one job.

So I end up chucking it together and voila, it's some sort of bicycle contraption. Looks evil.........

It really wasn't that hard in the end, just need to now check that I've done everything up tractor tight and bob's your uncle. Just need a helmet now, it will look a bit strange riding in a motorcycle helmet.

So if the first ride out ends up with the front axl falling out and I go over the handle bars and end up in traction you'll soon see a picture of the bike going here....


  1. Replies
    1. Nah mate, I think with the Heineken effect I'm operating on about 1/2 hos power. Hahahah

  2. Bahahahahah....I can't believe you bought that piece of shite.......🤣

  3. Looks fancy!

    I enjoy a bit of local riding. Quite different here, no helmets and drivers don't road rage about bicycles like Australia.

  4. How hard can it be.......?........"after fitting the handle bars for the 3rd time"........🤣🤣🤣 Yup, nothing is ever as easy as it first seems.
    Looking at the photo of the "completed" bike, your seat looks waaay too low. With your height, it will likely be level with the bars or even slightly above them. When the pedal is at the bottom your leg should be only sligtly bent. Look at some photos of my bikes in past blogs.
    Also, get that helmet.....because nothing is ever as easy as it seems....😜. Get some fitness happening and you will frikin' love it. Who knows, Andrew might get a decent mtb next so he can explore the limits of his RMX 😎

    1. Oh I've got one but it's not doing me any good at the moment...

    2. Yeah, you need to actually ride it !🤣

  5. Attaboy Steve - is pedal power to offset all those pies and pints on a motorcycle ride? Glad you didn't initially consult the manual, you would have been letting blokedom down :-). Why no rear suspension (not knowing much about the technicalities, I must admit).

    1. Yeah mate, you hit the nail on the head. Too many beers and pies.
      I don't know anything about bicycles either, just following some numb nuts advise.

  6. Replies
    1. Well it is April 1st, but no I really did buy it.

  7. ha ha...had me start riding those in your condition and youll be on the broken collarbone xpress sooner than you think

    1. Your such a glass half empty type of guy aren't you Geoff?

    2. yep....time to refill with whatever your drinking